Lately some things has been happening and I was trying to find an answer. However in my quest to find this reasoning, I think I risked too much. I showed people my vulnerability and with that alot of inferences were deduced. I know I was upset. A little mad even. But then I think people started thinking I was just furious and maybe just overly tensed up round the clock. Basically nothing good. I can't say they're outright wrong, because I was a little bit of everything at some point. But I think from that, having had that impression that I was in such a mode, my words these past couple of days were actually taken out of context when I didn't mean it the way people saw it to be. Don't take it that way ite. I really do not mean it to be so.

The whole thing about moving on, to stop thinking about the past and letting go is complicated. It's difficult for friends to see what I was trying to achieve. Never was I fighting to get back a relationship that I knew wasn't there. But it was fighting for the friendship that's left. Fighting for honesty and truth. Fighting the faith of wanting to believe in you again. It was fighting to know why certain promises were broken. The promises to be lived up to regardless if together or not. Its one of those things where only the two people involved can understand its depth.

The misunderstanding of my words, possibly its because of the way I portrayed myself to be in the last couple of weeks. Maybe all I seem like is that I'm just full of rage, unable to get past the past. Today you sent me a text before you flew off telling me that I should calm down and stop thinking of the past. Admittedly the past couple of weeks hasn't been an emotionally smooth sail. That is the truth. I was fighting for alot of things. Things that may be hard for you to understand. We always knew that we were two so different people. But unlike your conclusion that introverts should date introverts, I digress. For me, I don't think I'll let that trait determine who I choose to be with even after this.

But you know, I am finally able to say that I have achieved that feeling of calmness.The strangest part was that that sense of calm enveloped me when after so long I finally told myself that I'm willing to let everything go. That I need not have to fight for this friendship so bad. That it is okay to just lose everything that we have. To rebuild or not, that lies in the future. Of couse I would always wish for the best. It's a really weird thing to explain to anyone. To let go this feeling of wanting to have that person remain as a part of your life regardless of what role each of the party takes on, its tough. Its tough to accept losing their presence. And it's something that you'll only be able to connect to after you have been given the chance to love someone so deeply and be loved back equally. That is why talking to V is comforting. We're similar in ways when it comes to loving someone. When it comes to giving. Maybe in the end we're the ones that risk losing alot because we love so deeply and completely. But I don't think we can actually love any other way.

I'm actually glad that night happened. That night helped me see how things were and that realization brought me to where I am now. Truly, I am not upset nor worked up anymore. I am the calmest that I have been for the past couple of weeks. And I can confidently say that that feeling remained even as I read your text to me tonight. Telling me to stop thinking of the past. Because I have. Not the bit of what we were, that one I've learnt to let go even before. But that night, I learnt to let go off the final bit which held me back. The bit where I needed reassurance that I'll still have your presence grace my life. The journey has yet to be completed and there's still work to do. But at least, I have gotten past the toughest part.

Looking towards the future like I am Superman.

One of those days where you make a decision and you simply feel this weight lifted off your shoulders. People say when you pray and talk to god this happens too. Well, I've yet to experience that. Being that I never truly looked at God. I just took it that there's one somewhere up there. It's a comforting thought somewhat, that someone will always be watching over you and the people that you care for. After today, there's no looking back. The casualness of the past..like I told 'sunshine', maybe in the future if things changes for the better.

Twas good to have some lovely company on an equally lovely morning..afternoon and early evening. Nothing beats having hours on end lunches. Well, I do suppose hours on end dinners can give these lunches a fight for its money. But it's a good enough one this one. I liked how we were seated at the corner with the cool conditioning and the bright late March sun beating down from the outside through those high overhead glass panels making it seem like we were dining a la alfresco, just excluding the intense heat.

Uber liked the charm bracelet we got. It's very classy and me likey. And am looking forward to Yen Wei's big day :)

Because we're never alone

Edit:
For you and you that has been listening to me. Talking to me, sharing and caring. I'm grateful to have you in my life. To V, if and when you read this, for everything that you've had to go through, know that I'm really proud of you. Although I've already told you that and you know it. Heh.

Life ain't always easy. It ain't a bed of roses, as we slowly come to realise bit by bit. Our life ain't perfect, but who cares, no one's life it. We just got to be honest and stay true to ourselves. There's nothing worse than having so much pride and wanting, needing, people to think that your good. You can fool some, but you can't fool all. The people who comes the closest to having a seemingly perfect life are people whom truly embrace all of what they have and not feeling the need to convince people that their life is picture perfect.

The best thing about life is knowing that you have people who truly cares for you. People who wants you to be allright. People who remembers what your plans are even when you don't. People who calls after you tell them on msn that you're not well. People who drop a lovely text to you for no reason at all. People who give you a call because they haven't heard your voice in abit. These people, they're the people that we should really treasure. And these are the people that reminds us that no matter how bad things are, we're never alone.

Cheers

                                                  

Time-check

Time-check : 10.51pm.

Progress of my ADM revision : Page 27 out of 220 pages

Distraction is the evil to all mankind. I am trying to achieve 2 things at the moment. Ace my exams and well..not bother too much about a certain thing that occasionally comes to mind.

"Why is it that when one choses to instill distance in our relationship I take it within my stride, but when it is I that shows a lack of response, one makes it so clear that ones upset? And yet deep down I still truly do want that one person to feel good. Happy. Some things are so absurd it exceeds the comprehension capabilities of a normal human mind.Or maybe, just maybe I am not that normal after all" :)

Back to the topic, I got Karen to read my horoscope the other day. She told me that it's been pretty accurate for her. Well sadly the site had everything in Chinese characters and god knows how well I can read Chinese. Pretty much the word for the number 1, 2 and 3 as well as my own name. Hah. So yes, got her to translate it for me and amidst all the flowery jumble of those things, what it says is that I'm looking forward to a coming trip. And boy is that prediction dead on. Have been excited over it for the past 2 days before I  got her to read that. Yayyer. 3 more weeks? It feels like ages since I went away for a little retreat and baby I can't wait :)

P.s. To you who said something about why these 2 people have yet to run out of things to say to each other after being  in a relationship for 6 years, well relationships really are that special. Everything becomes something. Even nothing becomes something. There really are no words that can describe this magical thing. And the both of us know how they both are really lucky to have each other :)